Whod you bang
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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