its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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