a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
