Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
