70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
