turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
