I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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