When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
