about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
