I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
