I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
