I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
