Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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