I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
