just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
