i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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