you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cut my penus on the lid.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
