He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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