I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
