Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
