A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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