i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
