mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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