Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
