Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
