I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
