When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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