he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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