While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
