Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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