I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
