talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
