If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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