Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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