and she was petting her beer can
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
