I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
