the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
