why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
