I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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