i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
