There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
