i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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