something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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