Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
