just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
