I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
