Just fell off a train. Bad.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Randomize
