tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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