It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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