On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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